Body Exploration Love Journey OH YEAH
by nedthejanitor
Summary: The Titans have decimated all of the villain population of their fair city. But now, Robin, Cyborg, and Beastboy have even bigger things to deal with, if you know what I mean. Wink wink. WILL STARFIRE'S NAIVE NATURE BLOCK ROBIN'S ADVANCES? Answer within.
1. YEAH BABY YEAH

Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans, but I own a tape of episodes that is being borrowed right now.

()()()

In a deep hidden layer, and by that I mean a house in the suburbs with a bad paint job, a certain group of evil men were going over a new plan to thwart the Teen Titans, even though they... never really had an old plan.

"Gentlemen, we have trouble," Leader Man began. "It seems that the Teen Titans have beaten every villain in the city and put them into prison. This gives them a boat load of free time."

"But, sir, why do we care?" Question Man questioned. "In fact, didn't this used to be my mother's house?"

"Erm, he he he..." Leader Man twiddled his fingers and chuckled nervously. "uh, let's discuss that later. Anyways, the Titans are no longer busy. They stay at home more often. Do you know what this means?"

"What?" One Word Man questioned, stealing Question Man's schtick.

"They're going to... to... _explore each others' bodies!"_

A collective gasp was heard reverberating throughout the whole house. Some people fainted in terror, others left to go throw up.

"What an outrage!" Ned the Janitor (NOT THE AUTHOR) roared in aforementioned outrage. "I haven't had any... _intercourse_... in over 15 years, and by gum, I will make it stay that way! I am a red blooded American, god damn it! My hand is more than good enough for me!"

"Oh, God, who invited him here?" Question Man demanded.

"I did!" Stupid Man yelled stupidly.

"Didn't I tell you not to let him within fifteen feet of me ever again after that incident at the Bible study last month? You truly live up to your name, don't you, Stupid Man?"

"Well, I may not be no Fig Newton, but I-"

"It's Isaac Newton, you fucking moron!" Science Man screamed.

"This is no time for arguing!" Leader Man stamped his undersized feet in childish frustration. "We must stop this, the very thought of teenagers doing the scarlet sin... ugh!"

"Do you have a plan, Leader Man?" asked Question Man.

Leader Man frowned and shook his head. "Not yet. But very soon, my friend."

()()()

"Borrrrred... booooooored... _bboooooooorrrrrr-"_

"Shut up, Beastboy!"

"Sorry, Robin."

Ever since the Titans had managed to wipe out the villainy of Jump City, they had been bored (just in case you couldn't tell) in the summer heat. All that they were doing anymore these days was sitting on the couch, sweating and moaning from the sweltering heat in the Tower.

"Starfire, be careful. I think that puddle was Cyborg's, and he can be a stinky bastard when he sweats." Robin rasped.

Starfire sniffed the puddle, then promptly lightened up. "Ooh, it reminds me of a delicacy from my home planet!"

"I'm not shocked." Beastboy mumbled.

Starfire sat down on the couch, her ample milk balloons bouncing slightly from the force. Robin noticed, and boy, if you thought his pants were tight before, you should have seen them when-

"The air conditioner's almost fixed, guys." Cyborg said from the doorway to the main room. "Though I don't know why I care. I'm a damn robot."

"Alright!" Robin yelled. "Finally, I can breathe!"

Beastboy stood and did a celebratory fist pump. "And I can turn into a mammal without going into heat stroke!"

"And I can stand in front of it, letting the gentle breeze caress my every curve!"

The three boys looked over at Starfire in mild shock, before Beastboy piped up. "Gee, Starfire, that was articulate."

"I think you've been cracking open too many poetry books. Probably Raven's." Cyborg noted, and Robin flinched at the phrase "cracking open" for reasons he couldn't quite comprehend.

"Raven's? No, that would be more like 'the sharp air from the fan froze the blood from my bleeding wrist like it was an Arctic blast from the wound in my heart.'" Starfire said, laying her feet on the coffee table in front of the couch.

Beastboy chortled. "True."

Robin continued to stare like a special ed student at his orange crush for the duration of the afternoon. He also looked at Starfire a whole bunch. As the heat from outside got more mild and the tower became slightly more bearable to live in, it wasn't long before Robin and Starfire were the only two left in the main room. Robin still ogled at the sweat drenched alien until his eyes fell upon something... interesting.

"Robin, what are you staring at?" Starfire asked him finally.

Robin tilted his head up to stare into the girl's green eyes. "Starfire, did you spill relish on yourself or something?"

"Relish? What is that?"

"Erm, it's a green sort of condiment that-"

Starfire gasped. "Robin, are you suggesting that I have been eating what you earthlings call 'condoms'?"

"No! No, a condiment is something like mustard or-"

"MUSTARD!" Starfire jumped up. "I'm going to the food room to see if there is any in the cold box!"

Robin nodded. As Starfire left for the kitchen, Robin put his hand to his chin. It was absurd, but very much true. Starfire's nipples were fucking GREEN. That was some hulk shit, son. How was this going to affect his affections for the one that affected his penis so much? Well, with the help of mustard, her naivete, and condimenim- condos- those rubber things you put your dick into, Robin was going to find out.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	2. WHOOP THERE IT IS

Disclaimer: Teen TITans. TITans. TIT. Don't own it.

In the suburban layer of a certain evil group, the planning continued...

"Why don't we try abstinence-only education?" Question Man asked.

"Everyone knows that doesn't actually work," said Leader Man. "We need to do something that will destroy their will to get it up..."

"But that won't stop the two females, sir!" said Right Hand Man.

"My God, you're right..." Leader Man muttered. "I'd never thought of that. This could be worse than we thought..."

()()()

Beastboy was sitting, panting like a hot dog (not the food), on his bed while his baby shit green eyes stared lustfully at a poster he made out of a picture his good buddy Yeastboy (guess what his powers are) gave him for Valentine's Day. The picture was a picture that Yeastboy took clandestinely of Raven while she was on the scene of a battle involving the titans. Her pose opened Beastboy's sight to every curve, every inch, and only her leotard shielded her purple body from the naked eye. Her cold, demonic beauty contrasted in juxtaposition with Beastboy's carefree, irreverent nature. It was a real life example of opposites attract. Plus, and more importantly, GODDAMN was she hot.

Now, here's the catch: the picture was taken during the last part of the battle with Trigon where Raven was turned into a giant.

Beastboy never really considered himself a giant-fetishist up until that point. In his mind, he always debated what the fuck it was about this particular piece of teammate-based art that made his Wooly Willy get a Stiffy Wiffy. Her stories-tall dangly parts (i mean boobies because raven, contrary to popular belief, has no testicles. lady gaga, on the other hand, im just not fucking sure about) and her towering figure gave Beastboy the challenge of filling in the gaps, if you catch my drift, and he did so frequently, using copious amounts of semen on the poster. Hell, he had to squint his eyes to find her anymore.

He had enough with waiting. It was sexy time. Beastboy hopped limberly off the bed and stood four feet away from the poster of his dreams. Then he turned into a gorilla, his outfit shredding off of his skin. As he gripped his meat whip, a droplet of drool dangled from his lip. He drove it through the part of the picture that featured Raven's vagina and, screaming in a way that no human being could ever comprehend, thrust his dick in and out picture. This would possibly get the Titans a lawsuit, since a lot of children and parents visited the Tower to take pictures, and they would come only to see a three-and-a-half foot long green gorilla penis siphoning in and out of a hole in the side of the tower. Pictures would be taken for the newspapers, the headline on the front page would read "GIANT COCK DANGLING LIKE STIFF UNCOOKED SPAGHETTI NOODLE OUT OF LOCAL SUPERHEROES TOWER OH GOD JUST FUCKING KILL ME IN THE EYES RIGHT NOW I BEG OF YOU", and it would be a public relations disaster. But he didn't care. He was complete.

Meanwhile, in relation to Raven, Cyborg and Raven were on Raven's needlessly huge bed, engaging in foreplay before another dose of the sex they had been having since their affair began the second Cyborg left Raven's mirror.

"Raven," Cyborg moaned into her ear, "I love it when you massage my cork screws with your thumbs." And indeed, there was a pair of three-inch cork-screws jutting out where his nipples were supposed to be. His rebuilder was a goddamn bum when it came to adding sex-related robot parts.

"Hurry up and get over this nipple thing, I want to get to the main course." Raven said, jutting a thin finger at the steel bulge at the door of his crotch area label "COCK COMPARTMENT."

"Hey, you know you're the short to my circuits."

"Cyborg, goddamnit, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and I know Beastboy. Stop trying to sexy talk."

Cyborg inched a little away from Raven, whom he was on top of. "Why do you abuse me so?"

Raven, with her fetish for weak men, pulled Cyborg in for a kiss, then broke it off and said, "Because you're my bitch, and I love you. Now, let's earn you your red wings."

"Oh, GROSS!"

Cyborg sighed and reluctantly brought his head to Raven's crotch, which was still leotard-clad and had red stuff oozing out of the sides. Cyborg poked it.

"It's CHUNKY!"

"Rip off my leotard and please me, you reotard!"

"Okay, you're terrible at sexy talk too."

Raven popped Cyborg on the side of his head that had flesh. "Don't you back-sass ME!"

Cyborg swore quietly and rubbed his head as he undid and discarded Raven's leotard. The sight of Raven's period was more disgusting than his wildest dreams could have shown. It looked like an infected papercut in the stage where it needed to be cut off. Cyborg braced himself as he swirled his tongue around the sides of her cunt, eliciting from his master a sharp moan. Then he felt a burning sensation on his tongue and felt a solid object on his tongue. He plucked it off and looked at it.

"A chuck of jalapeno?"

Cyborg gives Raven the biggest WTF face anyone has ever seen, and Raven began to laugh at her hapless lover.

"It was hot sauce, you dummy! I was joking! The red wings will come next week!"

Cyborg smirked. "Oh, you!" Then they enjoyed a sitcom laugh while downstairs, the stove exploded from Raven's laughter.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	3. THIS IS HOW WE DO IT

**Disclaimer: I am a titan when it comes to not owning Teen Titans.**

The following morning, save for the concern over an exploded stove and a floor slippery with condoms and condiments, there was a palpable feeling of satisfaction in Titans Tower and, by satisfaction, I mean sexual gratification. This was much to the benefit of the bored titans, but for a certain group of puritanical super-villains ready to take Jump City by storm, the news came as a slap in the face. Literally.

"Ow!" Leader Man screamed as his wife, Leader Woman, slapped him in the face with a folded up piece of paper with a small DVD tucked inside that was lying in her palm.

"There! That's what you get for misspelling 'Bible' on our tithe check! 'Bibble?' What are you, stupid?" Leader Woman turned around and, turning her nose up at Leader Man's loser friends, marched out of Question Man's mother's former house.

"What does it say, sir?" Question Man asked, doing what he does best.

Leader Man studied the paper's contents extensively. "It says, 'Ned the Janitor, you are the love of my life and-'"

"There's something written on the back, too, Leaderman," said Right Hand Man, Leaderman's… well, no need to be redundant, is there?

"Ahh, it's a note from our insider at Titan's Tower. It says 'I hope you enjoy the footage I recorded at the Tower, because I'm going to need like five showers a day for the rest of my life when this is all over. Yours truly, Stan."

"But how is a-" Question Man began to ask, but was cut off by the overzealous Leader Man.

"We are going to watch this footage, gentleman."

So they went into the living room and watched the tape after shooing the postman off. For the two hours of recorded footage, the entire crowded living room became a general din of disapproving mutters, gasps of feigned shock, showoff-y praying and of course, shameful boners. After the tape had finished, Leader Man gave a solemn declaration of war in front of the puritanical villains towards the libidos of the Teen Titans. First course of action; sneakiness.

Meanwhile, the afternoon greeted the titans, who were still dressed in their respective birthday suits and lounging around like the happy hedonists they were. Five teenagers in a house to themselves, temporarily relieved from the burden of fighting super-powered criminals, what could one expect except for them to all start fucking? It's practically in the Teenager Handbook, for Christ's sake.

Starfire sat beside her boyfriend in the main room. "Robin, should we not clean up this mess in the kitchen sometime today?" Starfire asked, referring to the puddle of condiments, semen and unmitigated terror Robin and Starfire left festering like a cancer in the middle of the kitchen floor after last night's fuck session. "Yeah, I'll get to it this evening," yawned Robin, who was sitting on the couch in his bloomers, feet propped up on the coffee table.

"Dude," Beastboy began from across the room, "you aren't going to make me transform into an elephant and suck it up like you did with that mess from the overflowed toilet last month, are you?"

"No," Robin laughed, "but that was funny."

Just then, Cyborg and Raven walked in carrying a small box.

"This was dropped off on our doorstep this morning," Cyborg stated while he laid the box on the kitchen table, being careful to avoid the puddle.

"We rattled it around a bit." said Raven, "It didn't sound like puppets, so that rules out Puppet Master."

"I bet some other nut job found the location of our super-secret tower," Robin said, getting up from a chair inside a room inside a tower that is probably about fifteen or twenty stories tall and located just off the coast of the city where he and his team regularly fight super-villains that have become more than aware by this point that their continual rivals are named the Teen Titans.

"I doubt it. Our place isn't that obvious," Cyborg said.

"Let's open it." Beastboy said, with Starfire nodding in agreement.

Robin shrugged. "Okay, I guess we haven't got much choice." Giving the okay to Cyborg, Robin went back over to the couch to continue being lazy while the robot forced the box open with his bare hands to reveal a shitload of condoms.

"What the fuck?" Raven blurted out.

Beastboy looked over to Cyborg while Raven and Starfire (as soon as Raven told her what they were) began fuming over then new present. "Is there a return address on that box, Cy?"

"No." Cyborg said. "But I'd like to know what kind of sicko thought this would be funny."

"It's not that bad…" Beastboy said after a brief, awkward silence filled with the sounds of Starfire and Raven being furious. So, I guess, not a silence really.

"It could be." Cyborg picked up one of the boxes of condoms. "These boxes look like they've all been tampered with. I bet they're laced with something."

"I'll go take a look at them in the lab," Robin said, getting up from the couch at last. "If there actually isn't anything dangerous in them, they might be handy to have around." Everyone stopped to look over at Robin. "You know… someday."

"I vote with Robin." Beastboy said.

"We vote no." Raven and Starfire said simultaneously.

"Well, Cyborg, what do you say?" Robin asked.

Cyborg stood there, awkwardly eyeing the cardboard box housing them thar penis gloves, until he finally spoke up. "You know, I'm a robot. I don't need condoms because I don't even produce any semen-"

"Cyborg, Jesus, we don't want to hear that!" groaned Robin.

"It's true, though." Raven said before realizing what she was actually saying. Her mouth immediately was covered by her hand, and she stood in the weird looks of her friends for several seconds. Finally, she lifted her hand. "…He told me that once, and I saw no reason not to believe him…" Raven cleared her throat, trying to regain her dignity. "Um, I'm gonna go."

Once Raven left, Robin grabbed the box. "We'll just say you voted yes and take these to the lab, okay?"

TO BE CONTINUED…


	4. GETTIN HOT IN HERE

**Disclaimer: Ha, could this disc get any LAMER? HAHAHAHA! I don't own Teen Titans.**

Later that evening, at sunset, Starfire sat in her room, finished tidying up the normally messy sleeping quarters and with oodles of energy to spare. So she kicked her legs around, she hummed to herself a little, she considered walking around in the several-story way-too-fucking-large tower, but ultimately decided she felt like being alone for a little while because, contrary to the widely accepted consensus, Starfire can be just as annoyed by humans and their customs as likewise. Namely, a little green kid named Beastboy who seemed to think it was funny to use one of the condoms as a rubber band and pop Starfire on the nipple. It was still bleeding. Fuck.

Starfire took a look outside, and she saw through the window a fishing boat slowly making its way across the water toward the shore of the city, with two or three good friends sitting together talking over some shitty, cheap beer after a hard day of nothing much at all. Little did they know that they were being watched by someone whose culture and, by extension, turn-ons could be described as "wait, are you fucking SERIOUS?"

On Tameran, when Starfire was born there was a shortage of boats due to the advent of aircrafts (one could say that Tameran became a… *puts on sunglasses* World of Aircraft (YYYEEEEEAAAAAAH)) and the lack of any life in the oceans, which obviously made attempts to fish pointless. Because of their rarity, the few times anyone from Tameran got to see a boat, much less ride on it, it was like a luxury. But to a special group of them, they were a fetish. Starfire, a princess of the Tameranians, was just such a person.

Starfire, unable to control her urge like she had tried to for so many years past, burst through the window of Titans tower and toward the boat.

"Hey, Cletus, look at that shit!" screamed Bubba.

"OH FUCK AAAAAAAH!"

So Cletus, Bubba, and Dale "MY PARENTS HAVE THE SAME PARENTS" Rossworth were accidentally violently murdered by the over-eager Tameranian princess who was too busy dry-humping the bottom of the boat. Now, one may ask, "how can you dry-hump a thing that is partially submerged in water?" Well, I'm happy to answer that. You see, Starfire is grinding against it with such feral pacing that the friction between the boat and her vagina is creating enough heat to keep her crotchtal extremities dry as the sands of Egypt. Here, let me pull out my graphs to further explain.

Fuck. I forgot them. Oh, well, let's fast forward a bit.

Starfire was back in her room after accidentally committing manslaughter on three innocent rednecks that, for whatever fucking reason, were in New York or California or wherever the fuck Jump City is supposed to be. Frantically searching through her cluttered drawers, the orange-skinned goddess searched for the instrument of her night's climax. At last, she drew a dildo from her drawer like King Albert would draw a sword from a rock. But there was something special about this dildo that reflected yet another anatomical distinction that Starfire had from earthlings; unlike the dildos that we are quite familiar with here, which are long and cylindrical, hers was long and triangular. You know, like in that one toy they would give you as a child that involved sticking the correctly shaped pegs into the correctly shaped holes.

In essence, I've wasted a paragraph to tell you that Starfire's vagina, like those of every other femaleTameranian, is in the shape of a triangle. Now, young Starfire had yet to see a female human being's vagina, and thus, did not realize the anatomical dissimilarity that, if discovered, would be obvious to everybody and serve as another way of making Starfire feel alienated (haha pun). I know, I know, Starfire had some form of sexual activity with Robin two chapters ago. Don't worry about that. It was tit-focused.

Meanwhile, Raven walked the hallowed halls of Titan's Tower, making her way to the roof for some night time meditating to get away from the guys. Particularly Beastboy, who had filled another one of the condoms with ketchup and hit Raven in the crotch with it, and then proceeded to do a Nelson laugh and call Raven a fatty who bled ketchup on her period. Needless to say, Raven's temper got the best of her, and Beastboy's screams of terror had only stopped ten minutes ago. It seemed like Raven's vagina was getting into the habit of having red liquids doused on it lately… but that wasn't on her mind right now.

What were those moaning sounds coming from Starfire's room?

She edged closer to the door, listening in. "Ohh… ohhhh boat… ooooh *hiss* OH!"

"What the hell?" Raven wondered to herself, out loud but quietly. Right now, to be perfectly honest with herself, she was struggling with the urge to peek in and watch Starfire. Her mind, that is the logical part of it, was urging her feet to return to the previously mentioned order to go up to the roof of the Tower. Her hands, however, had that command nearly overturned with their own urge to open the door to Starfire's room. Just a peak.

"No one should go into my room… so why should I go into hers…?" The inner debate lasted for another twenty seconds before one of the debating pieces of her brain provided an interesting, very effective argument: "Fuck it." She eased the door open just a couple of inches, only to let out an audible gasp and give herself away.

"Friend Raven?" Starfire shrieked, standing up from her bed and allowing the Tameranian sex toy to fall out of her vagina like a turd (only smellier). "What are you doing?"

"N-Nothing, I'm sorry." Raven backed up and ran from the room. Starfire flew out after her, but in her pleasured state followed by her shock she had not realized that Leaderman was staring at her through the broken window with his hand covering his mouth the entire time, floating with the help of a jetpack powered by perversion.

"So, the orange girl has a physical deformity… we can use this to our advantage." He pulled a walkie-talkie out of his sweat pants. "Socks-are-for-Feet, come in, this is Big-Bible. Scrap the old plan of attack; we have a new development here."

TO BE CONTINUED…


	5. SO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES

**Disclaimer: Teen Titans is not owned by me. Rather, it is pwned. By noobs.**

Question Man's backyard, one day later. Time: 1600 hours. Or, for those of you that aren't rad enough for military time, 4:00 pm.

"Our first step, gentlemen, is to create dissent within their ranks," Leader Man began, standing in front of a superfluous projection screen hanging off the house. "And thanks to my bravery and willingness to sacrifice my own sense of morality to gather information on these punks through spy activity, an easy way has been found."

Leader Man lifted up his hand, in it clenched a remote, and pressed a button. Of course, something was projected onto the screen, but since it was sunny outside nobody could see what the fuck.

"Sir, what are we supposed to be looking at?" Question Man asked.

"Yeah, it looks like a neon triforce or something," Right Hand Man pointed out, much to Leader Man's face-palming chagrin.

"NO! This, gentlemen, is Starfire's vagina!"

()()()

At the tower, Raven sat in her room on the edge of her bed, which was a feat just barely possible thanks to a certain gigantic fucking robot-man taking up most of it.

"C'mon, Raven, whatever it is can't be a big deal-"

"How many times do I have to tell you, Cyborg, I don't want to talk about it!" Downstairs, the sofa caught fire.

"Pleeeeaaase, Raven! My ro-boner can't take much more of your angst-y stalling!"

Raven fought a smile at Cyborg's penile pet-name, but decided to string the poor, dumb bastard along further.

"I don't care. We'll start when I'm damn good and ready." Raven said firmly.

After another handful of seconds, Cyborg sat up, looking as smug and devious as a sonuvabitch. He wiggled his fingers a little bit before opening a very small compartment in the palm of his right hand. In it was a button and very small lever.

"Oh, Raven…" She heard a small whirring sound behind her and instantly began to get moist. "That's not fair at all, Cyborg."

"Lovin' ain't fair…" Cyborg purred (my God just pause and imagine Cyborg purring for a second) as he lifted the lever upwards to increase the intensity of the small power drills jutting out of his fingers.

Raven gave in and scooted around to face the titanium titan of titillation on the bed. Despite the screaming image in the back of her mind that had haunted her since yesterday, resistance was no longer an option.

Cyborg's drilling fingers lightly brushed along Raven's nipples while their two tongues went to war for dominance. Raven's moans became more intense every time Cyborg applied a little more pressure. He wouldn't rest until he brought a little blood. At least, if- and when- she had her way.

As seconds melted into minutes, Raven's bed had become a melting pot of her own juices. Nipple blood and cunt liquid fused into a cesspool that threatened to dissolve her bed sheets. However, none of that mattered to them now.

"Cy… _lower,_" demanded Raven. Cyborg, not much of a teaser when it comes to foreplay, complied, fingers making a snail trail of tickly pain down to Raven's eager clit.

**KER-SMASH! **Raven's door slammed open with the force of the other three titans trying to all make their way in at once. Thankfully, since Raven and Cyborg were still clothed (well, Raven anyway, because Cyborg lacks any decency… and is also a robot, to be fair) and the rest of the team were hurried and distressed, no one was any the wiser about Raven and Cyborg's love affair.

"There's been a break-in on the top floor of the tower!" Robin announced. "We need to hurry!"

Cyborg and Raven, silently cursing the poor timing of the newly-emerged super villain they apparently were about to fight, suppressed their animal desires to join their team in doing their job.

()()()

"The set-up is complete, Leader Man." Right Hand Man announced as he stood up and whipped the sweat from his brow.

"Perfect. The next stage of our plan…" Leader Man paced slowly to the door leading to the hallway. "Should begin in three… two…"

The titans busted down the door, which landed just centimeters from Leader Man's feet.

"Geez, the projector room is a hell of a dumb room to break into…" Beastboy said mostly to himself.

"TITANS, GO!"

"NOW, RIGHT HAND MAN!"

But it was too late for Leader Man. Robin had slammed his long red pole into the side of Leader Man's head before the Starfire pussy picture could flicker onto the projection screen. What the picture did save, however, was Right Hand Man's ass. The other titans, even the one among them who had already seen it, could only gape at the photo in shock while Right Hand Man hopped bungee-jumping style out of the highest possible window in Titan's Tower. Except maybe the roof. Depends on your idea of a window.

"…" said Raven.

"…" said Starfire.

"WHAT!" Cyborg screamed.

"THE!" Beastboy yelled.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" bellowed Robin, who had dropped to his knees and ineffectually raised his arms to the sky.

Starfire, jarred back into reality by Robin's scream, immediately decimated the projector with a starbolt. But the damage had already been done.

"Starfire," started Robin, "I'm going to ask you a question that could get me slapped… was that-"

"Yes, it was," Starfire said. "This is so embarrassing…"

"I'll say," quipped Beastboy just before earning a firm slap to the back of the head by Raven.

"It's just… well…"

"Why is it shaped like a pyramid?" Beastboy interrupted at his own risk.

Starfire blinked. "Pyra… mid?"

"It's a triangle, you dumbass," Cyborg butted in.

"Nuh-uh!" Beastboy shot back. "It would be more stretched vertically if that were true!"

"Beastboy, a pyramid is three-dimensional," said Robin.

"Are you trying to say Starfire's vagina is just two dimensional, like a piece of paper? I find that a little offensive!"

Raven groaned. "Jesus Christ, Beastboy, a vagina is a hole. When's the last time you saw a triangular hole and said, 'yup, that's a pyramid?'"

"Thirty seconds ago, because it's true!"

At this point, it started to dawn on the entire team how weird the dialogue was getting, so the team leader attempted to moderate. "Look, man, it's shaped like a triangle. The sides of a pyramid are shaped like triangles. Why don't we just agree to disagree?"

"…Okay."

Starfire's confusion had by this point met no end. "Why does my sexual area confuse you all so?"

The three males of the team took a step back, gesturing to Raven that she should take over.

"Starfire, human females have vaginas that are just shaped like straight vertical lines, at least on the outside."

Starfire gasped sharply. "That… that's awful!"

"Don't worry, it's not a big-"

"FREAKS! ALL OF YOU ARE FREAKS!" And with that, Starfire flew through the broken window and far away from Titans Tower.

()()()

"This is Socks-Are-For-Feet… it worked."

TO BE CONTINUED…


	6. DO THE STANKY LEGG

**Disclaimer: Green Titans, the spin-off show where all five of the Teen Titans are replaced by clones of Beastboy with slight variations on gender and personality, is not owned by me.**

"Well, men, I have some fantastic news to share with all of you," Leader Man beamed as the meeting began.

"You finally kicked Ned the Janitor out of the church?" Question Man did what he was best at- disliking Ned the Janitor. And asking questions.

"No, Question Man, that will be in due time." Leader Man cleared his throat. "Gentlemen… yesterday, Starfire of the Teen Titans stormed out of the building. Our work to break the group up is bearing fruit."

"Bearing fruit?" Question Man piped up. "Is that what them book-learners refer to as irony?"

"You know, just maybe."

()()()

The next morning, Starfire had failed to reappear at Titans Tower.

"When's the last time you tried messaging Starfire through the communicator?"

Robin frowned deeply. "Cyborg, first of all, that is a very inappropriate question to ask at a time like this. Second, you know as well as I do the communicators don't have that capability, and even if they did-"

"'Messaging,' Robin, not 'massaging.' Get your head out of the damn gutter."

"…Oh. About five minutes ago. Still not answering."

Cyborg shook his head. That girl was causing a lot of worry.

"Okay, guys," Robin said through teeth gritted with determination, and boner extermination (a triangular vagina is still a vagina to someone who's like 16 years old), "here's what we'll do. Cyborg and I will use the T-ship to search the deepest reaches of space for Starfire, in case she went and flew to another planet like the time she had a pimple." Robin shuddered at the memory- it was as if she'd grown a dick out of her head. She was literally a dickhead for a short time.

"We got it," Raven said. "Beastboy and I will fly around the city and other neighboring areas, looking for her."

"Good. If either of us finds her, you know what to do."

"…Lecture her on how stupid it is to call us freaks when she's the alien to our planet?" Raven suggested helpfully.

"No. Well, yeah, actually, but afterwards. Right now, just focus on finding her and alerting the other search team with your communicator when you do. Got it? Good. Let's move out!"

()()()

"Say, Raven," Beastboy started to ask as he and Raven were doing a brief ground search in the city, "I've been meaning to ask for a little while, but… are you, uh… are you… _with _Cyborg?"

Raven looked over at Beastboy, cocking (lolpenis) an eyebrow. "Why would you ask something like that?"

"Because I saw you in bed with him night. I was just curious, is all."

"Well, get curious about something that's actually your business. In the meantime, let's keep looking around for Starfire."

Beastboy thought for a second. "What is it about Cyborg that you like?"

Raven didn't answer. Beastboy got his hopes up, believing that Raven was asking herself the same question. In reality, she was trying to ignore the green kid's pointless question and stick to the matter at hand.

"So, uh… when did you start, uh, seeing each other?"

"God damn it, Beastboy," Raven turned around and snapped, "do you really think now is the right time to get this conversation started?"

"Well, I mean-"

"You want to know how long I've been seeing him?!"

"Yeah…"

"You want to know what I like about him?!"

"If it isn't too much to-"

"Ever since the night you and him went into my mirror without asking! We've been fucking each other ever since, and you know what? It's been fantastic! It's been the best experience of my life! That's what I like about him! He uses my body like his car, putting the pedal to my metal, making me squeal against the road and leave tire tracks on my bed! Beastboy, you don't understand, his dick has five different settings, all set to maximize pleasure! And I always pick number four, Beastboy! I always-"

BEEP BEEP! Raven's communicator went off, giving Beastboy a little time to process what he was hearing, mainly because Raven was not very good at metaphors. Also, shit had been exploding around them during her monologue, so he had to go make sure no one had gotten killed. "Yes, Robin? Did you find her?"

"We can hear you."

If Raven thought she was embarrassed at that point, she should have felt how hard Cyborg was seething.

"Now, look, as interesting as you may think your sex life is, Raven, now is definitely not the time to be talking about it. Focus on looking for Starfire instead of giving Beastboy TMI overdose. I, for one, am going to have a hard enough time on my own side now that Cyborg looks like he wants to kill himself."

Raven couldn't even sack up enough juices to argue with the Boy Wonder, she was so embarrassed about her revealing conversation. She sighed and nodded her head, and as she put away her communicator, she noticed that Beastboy had disappeared suddenly.

"Beastboy?" Raven called out.

But Beastboy did not respond. Raven was beginning to grow irritated with the green motherfucker, assuming that he was trying to pull another one of his dumb pranks. Then again, perhaps he was cooling off- or worse, masturbating- after that outburst that Raven had. She knew she was never going to live that down, and the thought secretly killed her.

"Beastboy!" Raven tried yelling, something her voice was by no means accustomed to doing. Luckily, she only had to do it… about four times, coughing profusely between the last two.

Raven eventually saw a man carrying a limp body while she was flying around, and it was painfully obvious that Beastboy was the limp body, because there are no other bodies in the world who are better at being limp than Beastboy. Raven landed right in front of the mysterious man, scaring the fuck out of him.

"What are you doing with that Beastboy?"

The man tried to cover the cartoonishly big lump on Beastboy's noggin with his one free hand. "He was sleeping, ma'am, I was simply looking for his parents."

"You didn't think to call the police or anything?" Raven knew the man was bullshitting, but hell, what did it hurt to string the guy along? Am I right, MRA dudes?

"Well, no, ma'am. Have you ever heard that song by Flava Flav, '9-11 is a Joke?'"

Raven's eyebrow cocked upward. She looked like she could smell what the Rock was cooking, and it smelled like shit. "No, I haven't. I didn't even know Flava Flav was a musician, I just thought he was some ugly reality TV guy with a clock around his neck."

"Well, no, ma'am, he is not. In fact, he is perhaps one of the-"

"Hey, you have Beastboy! That's great, we have two titans!"

Raven peered over the first guy's shoulder to see a second guy carrying an unconscious Starfire. It was on now.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


End file.
